I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
