dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
