SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
