Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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