i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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