Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
