she was so not down for the gang bang
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
