Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
