In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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