My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof