shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
