I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
