Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
