Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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