Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
