I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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