I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
