I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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