I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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