You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
