He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
