The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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