You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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