do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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