Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
