Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
zippers are such a cool invention
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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