Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
