I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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