Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
