so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
