I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
