god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
