You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
