Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
