The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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