how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
