I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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