Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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