your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Even my vagina gasped.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
