Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
