so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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