If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
