Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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