My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
