I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
