i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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