Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
