Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
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you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
