I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"