I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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