watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My cat gives me a boner
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
