cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize
