so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
