I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
