The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
