my soul wont recognize me after tonight
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
